ninmecu's Xanga

REAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY long post=3

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 17:36:00 GMT

I watch as the rain falls…
I watch as it tries to wash away my tears…
I watch as the people scurry away…
I walk out into the rain and I yell…
I try to yell all my pain away…
I don’t know where to turn to…
I don’t know who to tell
I can feel the pain inside me grow stronger…
But in the end…
I’m alone…once again…
And I watch…as the rain falls…

The blinding wind of torment…
Lay they’re eyes on me…
I lay in dooms wake…
Waiting to be slain…
I gaze out into your eyes…
And see deep down into your soul…
In this slight moments ease…
I feel a slight repose…
I drop my gaze and ease my breath…
Thinking of you is my only regret…
As I feel the pain of death flow through me…
I scream into your gaze…

I’ve been called a soldier…
I’ve been called a loser…
I’ve been called a loner…
I’ve been called a fucking gay ass faggot…
I’ve been called many things and not very many people know it…
But deep down inside…
No matter how hard I try…
Im all alone…
Im not a soldier…
Im not a loser…
Im not a loner…I
m not a fucking gay ass faggot…
But…I am ME…
I am a tormented soul…
I am a wandering warrior…
I am who I am…And I will always be me…

The moon silently watches over the world…
Its gaze laying upon everything and nothing…
The light of its darkness falling into nothingness…
It lives in the shadows…Of its brother sun…
Never being able to live on its own…
As it lives in its bittersweet sorrow…
It tries to find its meaning…
It lights the way of the night…
Casting its gaze once more upon nothing…
Leading the way…Upon the path of its sorrow…

The winds howl in the night…
Carrying with it…My ghastly plight…
I have nothing left to hold on to…
Nothing left to care for…
Nothing left in this world…
Everything I ever lived for…
All rested with you…
And now that your not here…
I’m left alone with my fear…

People step on me…
People hate me…
People want to hurt me…
People want to kill me…
People all laugh at me…
But in the end…
The people won’t faze me…
The people won’t change me…
No matter how hard the people try…
NOTHING will ever make me change…
NOTHING will ever stop me…
No matter…how hard they try…
My strength will always be with me…

It all comes down to this…
Everything I have ever done…
All comes together…
You all call me a hero…
But I’m nothing but a zero…
No matter what you think I do…
It doesn’t matter…
Because in the end…
Anyone could have done it…
You all look at me like I’m a god…
You all think I’m so great…
But really…I’m not…
I’m not a hero…I’m not even a zero…
I’m nothing but what I choose to be…
When people ask me if I’m a hero…
I laugh and say…I’m no hero…
I’m just a zero…

i awoke to the truth today...
a truth that has hit me deeply...
i realised what i did...
and now its too late to change it...i
m so sorry for how i hurt you...
but now its too late to change...
no matter how hard i try i cant seem to let you go...
im here with out you...
and im all alone...t
he darkness is coming...
i feel my blood drip...
i love you...
do you love me?

I lie here...awaiting your return...
awaiting the pain that will follow...
awaiting the everlasting hate that i bear towards you...
and strangely...i love you...
this bitter pain...
this incomparable sadnes...
this destructive lunacy...
its all because of you...
but...
i still love you...

i dont know...how to express these feeling i have for you...
sometimes i hate me...
sometimes i hate you...
sometimes i feel like dying for you...
sometimes i wish you would die for me...
is this love?what else could it be...
it is only another part of my silent pain...
and i cry in your arms again
...and ask...for the first time....
do you love me?
the autumn breeze gently whispers your name...
i call out into the world...
only to be looked at with a disturbed gaze...
i look around...i find nothing...
i run and run and run...only to get nowhere...
i scream out in agony...and find that no one is out there...
i fall over and cry...im here...and im alone...
i scream out your name...as death cradles me in its arms...
im alone...and thats the only thing...that i can say i have...

i see your face as i look out into the distance...
only to learn that you were never really there...
in the end you used me...
betrayed me...left me alone and hated...
at this time...i wish you would die...
i wish you could die horrbly and painfully...
but then i realise that death would be freedom...
so i choose instead...to make you suffer horribly for all eternity...
you leave me no choice...my hatred boils deeply...
but deep down inside...what hurts me the most...
is the fact that...i still love you...

I see your face as I look out into the distance…
Only to find that you were never really there…
As I turn…I look towards the door…You stand there…In your hollow glory…
Your eyes reflecting everything and nothing…
Your shape…Filling the entrance to life or death…
You step towards me…I scream…
I try to stop you…But there is nothing there…
Your still coming…I’m still screaming…
I awake with a start…And realize it was just a dream…
I look up…Only to see you standing there…
staring back at me...
in this light i cant hide...
in this darkness i cant find...
im alone in my sorrow alone in my pain
this time your not here
this time your out there
this time im alone again
wallowing in my pain
sitting in my despair...
crying in my darkness

Life...

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 01:15:44 GMT

The tale of my life...never said it was a pretty one...never said it was
the worst one, its simply my tale...and its never going to change. it will allways be mine...

The only thing ive ever longed for in life...was to find the place where I belong...Ive searched many times over, this horrid thing called the past...The past...its nothing but memory's now, memory's I sometimes wish never happened...For even as mere memory's they hold a darkness...they hold the strength they had when they were real...my entire life wasent briddled with despair lies and deceit...no not all of it...but part of it was...and still remains to be, it cant be changed...

The tortures of life met me face to fae at the young age of 6...with the arival of Norman E. Pruner...the fucker of my life...The only man on this earth that i feel hate for...He stained my childhood with lies and pain...he murderd the innocence of childhood...he abbused the only
thing a young boy has...love for his family

At the time, it wasent too bad, he seemed like a nice guy, retired alchoolic, kind of abusive, but over all nice...It wasent till 2 years after, that he married my mother...thats when things went bad...

I should go back a bit and tell of how life was during the time he and my mother were dating, life with him was liveable, easy child like, where i knew nothing, and beleived in everything...life is just a game when your young...the only thing was..children shun the different...ive allways had tanned skin...many of them teased me for it...pushed me
around and shunned me, they treated me like an outcast...i got used too it...like most children do...they adapt to theyre upbringing...we dont know its wrong until were thought. While growing up, i only had one true to the death freind, and i still have her today...Marie-France...She looked beyond the outside and looked to the inside, to this day we have never had an argument, we just...fit like two peices of a puzzle...she stood by me to the end...even with the children jeering laughing and making fun of our freindship, she stood by my side and never once has she joined in with them...This treatment from my peers continues on to this day...people dont want to look past what I look like on the outside...they determin to know who I am with a single glance...

With that going on at school, you'd think that would be enough right...wrong...near when I became 8 years of age...Norman decided it was high time I become an obedient little fuck...and would listen to him whenever he wanted...clean what he wanted and do all the fucking work he wanted me to do...so he started cracking down on me...jeering, teasing using physical force on me...I was still only a kid...He was an adult...but he acted not like an adult should...he treated me like shit...he made me feel worse then those fucking porta potties ever do...

During the time i spent with him as a "father"(yeah sure...a fucking father...something I never fucking had...) life was shit...school was a torrent of endless pain and misery...you'd think they would be more mature...yeah sure whatever...they treated me no different...the only difference was each year it got worse...then id go home from that...Only to get fucked around with by Norman...he'd yell, scream, call me all sorts of names, complain about my every move...There was no pleasing this fuck...For years this went on...finally at the young age of 10. I knew this wasent right...so i began sticking up for myself...that only made him go berserk...he began throwing me into wall, bitching even more..there was no moment of peace as long as he was around...so i decided he had to die at 10 years of age I wanted to
kill a man...and I was deathly serious...it was either he dies, or I die either way id be free of that fuck...
(to be continued)

Love, is it a lost cause?

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 17:18:59 GMT

an emptyness inside...

slowly tearing me apart...

taking my soul...

bittering my existence...

I long to see your face...

I long to hear your voice...

left alone to my own devices...

was I simply another step on your path?

was I nothing but a crink in the road?

was I nothing but a simple passing phase?

am I not even worth a passing glance?

the tears ive cried for you...

the pain ive felt for you...

the hardships ive overcome for you...

the lies ive wrought to protect you...

the love i gave only to you...

was it all for naught?

the only words that remain...

like poison in my veins...

hang deathly in the air...

for a final time...

i silently whisper...

"i love you"

and the words simply hang there...

like a man on executioners hill...

they scream lies in my mind...

but they ring nothing but thruth...

if i only say one thing in truth in this mortal life...

let it be the words...

i love you

By the by, i wrtoe this one a few months back=)

Darkness from within

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 04:14:56 GMT

Left alone in this darkness...the world seems to crumble
Pervailling in doing nothing but landing myself deeper into pain and misery...
I look towards a single ray of hope...
But it dissapears...just like the rest...
Once more silence welcomes me...cradling me into its bittersweet embrace
The sound of my voice rasply whispering your name...
Is the only sign that im still breathing...
Slowly...my mind closes...drifting away into nothingness...
The light seeps away...through the hole that is where my heart was
The shadow of who I once was lies broken...
I am no more...the pain of loss has shattered my allready fragile heart...

Monday, July 03, 2006

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 11:21:01 GMT

Here without you- Three doors down

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

ive been trying to find a way to express how much i love you kaitlyn...so i looked into some songs...this one has parts that shows some of how i feel, I love you with my everything...

The starlit sky shines upon us

we stand side by side...

staring out upon the horizon...

whispering our love...

as the world crashes around us...

i take you in my solid embrace, standing there motionless i lose my gaze within your eyes

time passing us by...the sun rises in the east...

night falling to the west...

our eyes drift together...our lips breifly touch...

and then I awaken from the prison that is my mind...and lose sight of my dream...waking up to another day without your love by my side...

lost within the void of life

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 06:46:05 GMT

looking at my life bring forth the thousands of dagger of pain spurred from my past...over time ive had and lost too many people...kaitlyn, your the last person i want to lose...i love you with my heart and soul, and nothing will ever change that. No matter what it may be, I will allways love you...